Several years ago there was something I wanted and I didn’t get it. I felt it should have been mine. In fact, I felt so strongly it should have been mine that I mentally stewed on it to the point I had trouble thinking about anything else. This seeming injustice became so great that I became an angrier and angrier person. I seethed when I awoke in the middle of the night. I missed the majority of most sermons at church because my mind was so focused on my pain.
Finally, after about a year of suffering and feeling this injustice to my core, I decided to remove myself from the place where the seeming injustice occurred. I began on a journey of work on my inner self to release myself from these intense and overpowering thoughts and feelings. But, I couldn’t.
I was convinced that after a few months of prayer, Bible reading and turning my life in a new direction that I would find freedom from the intense anger. My mind was quick to focus the anger on the individual people that I was sure had perpetrated this. I felt stabbed in the back and I couldn’t get the knife out.
During this time, I began writing prayers of release. I wrote prayers of forgiveness. I wrote prayers of thanksgiving. They were all to release me from this grip of anger, resentment and bitterness that gripped my soul as if it were in a vice.
But, I’d let it fester for too long. I allowed it a place in my soul for so long, with an open mic to be able to blast out my frustrations and vent my anger, that now I didn’t control my own soul.
I didn’t control it before it controlled me.
Despite having written some beautiful prayers, I eventually tapered it all down to just one. The one thing I really wanted for myself. This was my prayer for me going forward. It was what my heart really wanted more than anything.
Romans 14:17 For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. (LEB)
My mind began dwelling on this scripture every time I felt angst or unrest. I was so tempted to pray all kinds of other prayers but my mind kept going back to this scripture over and over. It became my go to scripture as I prayed for myself. “What I really want is Your kingdom, Jesus. I want righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.”
It has now been over 5 years since that initial incident occurred and I cannot believe it but I still wake up in the middle of the night and want to scream obscenities at them. I still feel sudden shame and embarrassment at having allowed myself to be so badly treated. But, I find that these urges come far less frequently and are far less intense. They last far less in terms of time and they can be dispelled quicker.
It is interesting to note that I feel more embarrassed over my overreaction and my failure to let go of the offense quickly than I do over the initial injustice. I’m embarrassed that I let it get to me with such vehemence. I’m sure I was a force to be reckoned with by everyone around me. Since then, I have not stayed in touch with any of the people associated with that incident. They have not stayed in touch with me either. Truthfully, when I left I didn’t even say goodbye, I just left.
So, what does all of this have to do with the article title “TRUMP TRAIN”?
There is a scripture that says, Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 (NASB)
What I have discovered in hindsight from the above mentioned experience is that just like a child, I was training my mind, my will and my emotions. I was training myself to respond to the hurt that I felt with anger, cruel jesting, the urge to make crude remarks, the urge to voice my opinions freely and so much more. This training bored all of this into my soul and my mind, will and emotions became more and more locked. They became bound and unable to move independently of my rage. I was bound up in rage and it now became so big that it controlled all of me. My life was being held hostage.
I’ve seen the Late-Night talk shows. I’ve heard the monologues. I’ve heard various TV news commentators rant about Trump. They make crude remarks. They bully Trump. I’ve heard the crass jokes and when Trump lets them know that they’ve gotten to him they do it again and make fun of his pain!
I just hope they know that they are very subtley training their souls just like I was. I hope they know that this poison will seep into every nook and cranny of their innermost being until it takes over just like it did me. I hope they know that they are training their children to do the same thing as well. I hope they know that they are crossing an invisible line within themselves that God will not go into with them. It is a place where rage, anger and defeat are the gods of the kingdom and that’s all the rotten fruit they will provide.
I can only imagine that you think I am a grand Trump supporter because I am a Christian. I want you to know that I too was deeply troubled and very concerned when he was elected President and still watch his Presidency with trepidation. But, I refuse to allow that to encourage me to get on board the great Trump Train that is barrelling through this country. I just can’t afford to have any more damage to my soul.
James 4:11-12 (MSG)… God is in charge of deciding human destiny….
To me, that means that God is in charge of deciding Donald Trump’s destiny. This scripture goes on to ask,
Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others?
Everything I do is training me for something for my future. I don’t want to have to spend my future on releasing myslef from what I’ve trained it to do today.
Just sharing another one of my life’s, “AHA” moments. They leave me blinking in sunlight.
BLIS.BLOG by Janet Williams A BLOG TO SEE!